Body parts wanted

A shoulder.........to cry on,

An arm .............to twist,

A leg.................to pull,

An ear.............to bend,

An eye...........to bat,

A finger.......to twist around,

A stomach.......to turn,

A back..........to get up,

A head.......to turn,

A (helping) hand......to give,

Any more spare parts greatly appreciated.

Golfing....a holy tragedy.

For the old golfers among you, especially thse in Spain, here's a little story....

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.
"When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.
Answered the nun: "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."
"Is that when you cursed?"
"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, no," says the nun.

"As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn't you?"

Have a nice day....excerpts..

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President

of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,

we hereby give notice of the revocation

of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. ...

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether

any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,

the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will

learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters...

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication..... learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account

of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize......

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down

for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. ....no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). .....

You should stop playing baseball.

It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game

which is not played outside of America. ...... Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
.......

......8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you

(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
...

....14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly

to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese ( apparently , but there is a bit of controversy over this)

Ridiculous UK Prices

Just went shopping to the local Spar ( on holiday still ). Shopping list as follows:

1 litre milk
1 packet pancakes
3 pastries
2 small Milky Ways
4 ice lollies
1 box strawberries
1 newspaper
= £8.50

This works out to be 4KD. Now am I dreaming or is that extortionate? I'm sure it would be half the price in Kuwait. I feel sorry for people living here now. How do they live?

Jobs We Do

Quite honestly-bar one fat exception- I have always preferred working for a man.More gullible.

The Manager

You and Your Female Boss:

The Subtle Differences

If you take a long time, you're slow. But if your boss takes a long time, she's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy. But if your boss doesn't do it, she's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an ass. But if your boss makes a mistake, she's 'only human'.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. But if your boss does it, she's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. But if your boss skips a few rules, she's being original.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. But if your boss does the same thing, she's taking initiative.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. But if your boss is a day off sick, she must be very ill.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. But if your boss is out of the office, she's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. But if your boss applies for leave, it's because she's overworked.

OOops I did it again...

Britney has been up to her old tricks again. What a super role model she is for our young girls- not- on a par with Paris perhaps.

Troubled Britney hit the news again this week after she vomited over herself during an interview and photoshoot with OK! Magazine in the US. A source from the magazine claimed Britney's eyes were rolling back in her head, she was terrified the ceiling was about to cave in and caused thousands of pounds worth of damage. Was Kevin watching?

Allergies

I thought my kids were allergic to MSG ( a major ingredient of noodles / magi/ indomie). I fed them allergy mixtures every night- spent 17KD to buy a miracle cure. After 5 weeks in the UK, eating Batchelors noodles ( with MSG) and not a cough , I have come to the conclusion they are allergic to something in Kuwait.......what is it in our atmosphere which makes children sniff, sneeze and splutter so much ? Doctors really owe it to us , and our kids to investigate this phenomenon more thorougly.

Ying -tong -piddle -ay -poo

Yin Yang, Shambo the bull,Qi Gong- what is all this nonsense?

Whatever happened to going for a brisk walk and eating well? More silliness from the local English rag today about balancing your Yin and Yang. I thought Yin was 'one' in Scotland.

''Concentration boosts effectiveness; Qi-Gong balances yin, yang in body

This week we are continuing with the 24 important rules that are necessary to know and practice for Qi-Gong to be successful. These rules are to be followed as much as possible, in order to make the Qi-Gong practice more effective. Each rule has reasons behind it, and even if we don’t understand these rules on an esoteric level, we can certainly understand them on an obvious physical level. Thus, to continue our journey into the world of Qi-Gong ……''

So even though you don't understand them.....it's ok , you'll understand them.......

''12) Make sure that you don’t need to go to the bathroom. If you do, then stop whatever it is that you’re doing, suspend the Qi-Gong exercise that you’re in the middle of, and relieve yourself.''

Would that be kind of anywhere you are ? Salem Al Mubarek Street....Ikea ?

''13) If you are in the middle of practicing any Qi-Gong exercise, and you feel like you have something that itches you, it could be one of two things. It could be something like a mosquito biting, or it could be that your Chi has redistributed itself to that area of your body. If the itch is from something like a mosquito, then you can scratch it, but before you do, redirect your concentration to your Qi-Gong exercise, channel your Chi, and then scratch it. If the itch is due to your Chi going wrong, then you redirect your concentration and don’t scratch the itch, as it should disappear if you have redirected and rechanneled properly.''

Again, would it matter where you where or where that itch was? Damn mosquitoes.

Number 16 is particularly interesting, for I'm sure many of us would plan on doing a bit of exercise in our newly washed , dripping wet clothes- but just in case, Mia reminds us....

''16) Make sure that you are wearing dry clothes at all times.''

Next one is quite attractive to visualise.....

22) If you produce excess saliva while you are practicing Qi-Gong, don’t spit it out, but simply swallow it. This is important for your concentration.

So Mia says swallow.....

''The practice of Qi-Gong can be anything from extremely simple to extremely complicated. Naturally you start off with the basics and then move your way up. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.''

It certainly wasn't Mia and I'm glad you reminded us of that old cliche....

And she gets paid to write that drivel ?

Jobs We Do

The Businesswoman:

HOW TO TELL A BUSINESSMAN FROM A BUSINESSWOMAN

A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy.
A businessman is good on details; she is picky.
He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she is bitchy.
When he is depressed (or hung-over), everyone tiptoes past his office; she is moody, so it must be her time of the month.
He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit.
He's confident; she's conceited.
He stands firm; she's impossible to deal with.
He is firm; she is hard.
His judgments are her prejudices.
He drinks because of the excessive job pressure; she's a lush.
He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's mouthy.
He's close-mouthed; she's secretive.
He climbed the ladder to success; she slept her way to the top.
He is a stern taskmaster; she's hard to work for.
He is witty; she is sarcastic.

How do you manage your day-home, business, home ?Does someone do the work for you and do you sit back and count the money? Are you stressed ? Personally I couldn't take the risk-I am too lazy! I have the good ideas but none of the follow through.When the going gets tough, I'd get going. How do you do it girls?

Dressing for the weather

Submitted by a friend.....

thanks C.

If you are in the UK at the moment, these may be what you need.

The Ages of Childhood

Having got through the 'terrible twos' I was led to believe that was it.....I have now decided that there is also the 'thran threes' (thran is an Irishism meaning difficult and moody). Here are some others:

Finnicky fours : don't want that, want that, no that, yes, no, blah, blah, blah

Frightful fives : Don't leave me! I hate school ! Please don't leave me! I'll dieeeeee...

Silly sixes : Hee hee you're fat ! Hee hee mummy....blah...blah.....elephant bum.....

Surprising sevens : Rain is caused by the water cycle, it falls, rises , condenses and falls again.....

Enterprising eights : But I picked your flowers to make perfume with the petals....we're going to sell the perfume and everybody will buy it.......

Naughty nines : I SWEAR I didn't steal her gnomes Mum....I SWEAR........and back to ...

Terrible tens : You don't need to stay ! Please Mum ! Leave me!If you stay I'll dieeeeee....

Maids-are they worth it?

We all of us want to work, and just get out a bit. If we were in the UK the cost of childcare would be sky high and deter many of us from working. In Kuwait we are lucky enough to have live in child care at a cheap price-the maid. But at what cost really ? Why shouldn't we use the maid? But we really need to check her out first- you would take care before you handed your car keys to someone.So, take a little time and really make sure your maid is who you want to leave your kids with-it might be the last time you see them.
I for one am glad to see the latest death sentence passed on the killer maid. If more strict sentences were passed in the west for drugs, child abuse , etc perhaps the rate would be lower.

''KUWAIT: A Kuwaiti court yesterday sentenced to death a Filipina maid after she was convicted of killing her Kuwaiti employer's seven-year-old son by slitting his throat, a legal source said. Court documents named the woman as May Membrini.She was accused of killing the boy last January, slitting his 11-year-old brother's throat as well and stabbing his 17-year-old sister. Afterwards she allegedly jumped from the second storey of her employer's home. A police source said at the time that Membrini - who had been in Kuwait for six months - had quarrelled with her employers.The death sentence will automatically be appealed under Kuwaiti law. Death sentences in the state are carried out by hanging and they must be signed by the HH the Amir to be implemented.''


Kuwait Times July 2007

More rain

So five weeks in the UK now and rain everyday bar 4. I am longing for heat and dust. I miss air conditioned shopping malls, Starbucks on every corner and shwarma restaurants. I miss American Idol on a Friday night ( even if it is last year's ). You can only have so much of green fields, sheep and clouds before it becomes tedious.

8 pm work curfew

So re the latest attempt to keep us all indoors, here is a letter from the Arab Times online. What are your thoughts? Should all women be banned from working after 8 pm ? Does that mean that we can stop working at home after 8 pm too?


''Sir I am sitting at my computer reading the on line version of the Arab Times trying to understand how this new 8 pm curfew on work will unfold. If I go out shopping at 8.30 pm and wish to buy underwear, who is gong to serve me? As men are not allowed (by law) to do this and now women are not permitted to work after 8 pm, one can only assume that many shopping malls in Kuwait will be ‘manned’ by robots … If wish to study English at The British Council or BITE or even learn Arabic at Kuwait Uni, if my class starts at 7 and runs till 9 and my teacher, as I may request, is a women, will the remainder of the class (8 pm to 9 pm) be taught by video cam - or osmosis? If my flight leaves from / or arrives at Kuwait Airport after 8 pm one can only assume that all security restrictions go out the window and I would be free to carry whatever illegal objects I desire – a man cannot search me, and all the female security officers have been sent home.
What if I have a serious medical problem which requires immediate attention. I rush off to hospital and the only staff there are male-should I bleed to death in A&E? Unfortunately now, on the strike of 8 my hair must remain wet at the salon if Mimi hasn’t dried it on time … My letter may be tougue-in-cheek and may seem a bit on the ridiculous side to you. However, these MPs are making ridiculous suggestions. Have they any idea how preposterous their new law looks in the eyes of the world? If they want to get the Filipina women out of the pool halls / coffee shops and Internet cafes then they need to pass a law that prevents them from working after 8 pm, not people simply going about their lives as normal. Or if they simply want to ‘keep their women at home’ then by all means do that. But don’t infringe on my rights and then try and call yourself democratic. Oh grow up!''

Well said I say. Shall we make Kuwait a male only venue after 8 pm ? All those guys down at Kuwait Magic would be out of a job - who's going to sell that lingerie?
And just a thought- if an emergency meeting of parliament is called at 9 pm, would our newly appointed women MPs be prohibited from attending? Mmm. Maybe that's the idea.

The Midnight hour

Time for bed, and so I sign out on my first evening. You've all been invited-keep it clean.:)

Which Salon gives the best deal?

Which salon do you go to ? Do you visit a 'western' one or stick to the Arabic ? Which is best wax or shira? Pluck or thread?

How do you wear your hijab ?

http://www.maryamsboutique.com/images/2pc%20xlong%20hijab%20set%20%202.jpg


How do you wear it ? What is the new way ?

Muhajba

A nod and a wink to the veil

Reva KleinPublished: 01 September 2006
A study of Middle Eastern youth culture takes detours through history as it unpicks present-day contradictions, Reva Klein discovers
Muhajababes. By Allegra Stratton. Constable & Robinson. £7.99


The very term Middle East provokes a negative reaction in many of us, churning up images of a vast conflict-ridden region where widespread impoverishment, political mayhem and destruction sit cheek by jowl with the blinding garishness of gold palaces glinting in the desert sun.
A rather different view comes from young British journalist Allegra Stratton, who travelled to six Middle Eastern countries last year to unearth the realities of Arab youth culture, searching for insights into what young graduates thought about politics, religion, relationships, music. The result is Muhajababes, an idiosyncratic view of this diverse expanse of cultures and political sensibilities, where western culture and resurgent Islam collide and coalesce.
The name of the book comes from muhajaba, the Arabic word for girls and women who veil themselves. Muhajababes is a word coined by a Beiruti woman who Ms Stratton hung out with (the 25-year-old hangs out, she doesn't visit) as a way of describing one of many paradoxes seen throughout the Middle East: veiled young women wearing tight jeans, stilettos and make-up while carrying designer handbags. While their black veils may be a nod to Qur'anic devotion, their skin-tight clothes are a wink to the oglers they invariably attract.
The demographics that define the region are the inverse of western Europe: two-thirds are under 25, a high proportion of which are graduates with not enough jobs for people at their level of education.
Culturally, the Middle East is similarly complicated. It's best defined as a place where a vibrant, western-oriented popular culture collides, and sometimes melds with, a resurgent Islamism. So you have Dial A Fatwa, a satellite TV show that answers callers' queries on what is allowed and what is haram (forbidden). Is plucking eyebrows OK, for instance, if it enhances the look of the eyes? And for the younger children, there's Fulla dolls, Barbie look-alikes (albeit brunettes), with a difference: forget bikini'd beach Barbies - these dolls are veiled, giving little girls a chance to practise the art of arranging headscarves.

Let's read it and see what all the fuss is about binat!